maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
