If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Randomize
