Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
