I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
