Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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