there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
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