They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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