Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
