party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
