Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
