After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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