Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
