When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
