you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
