mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
its not stalking. its research.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
It was confusing and full of hummus
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
