he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
