I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
