am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
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