omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
where am i from again
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
We left the knife in your bed.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
