but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
