Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Randomize
