Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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