with your own penis?
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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