I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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