I want you more than these girls want KFC
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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