On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
