I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
