I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
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