We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
