I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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