Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
