I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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