Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
i out mim tonsoeep
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
