my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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