my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
