i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
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