if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
