You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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