Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
