There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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