piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
