Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Yes because finding a guy to give head to is pretty difficult.
I mean not really
Obviously that's why it was a joke you are so stupid it's impossible.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
