ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize