My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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