I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Man, jail baloney is awful.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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