I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
