that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
