her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Randomize
