Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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