I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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