my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
There are leaves in my underwear?
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
