he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Randomize
