We're like a lot better than the average bears
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
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