there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Randomize
