This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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